After the longest break from blogging that I’ve ever taken, I am back today writing a blog post as I’m holding my newborn son in my arms. Please welcome our baby Tihon!
I treasure every moment with my baby and there is something so special about cuddling a newborn, inhaling his sweet milky breath and getting to know a tiny person that we can now call one of our own. He grows so quickly and I want to make sure to value this time and not take it for granted. For now I’m content with our little boy and giving him the world and every drop of my attention I have to give. It’s a good thing you can’t spoil a baby because there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. Only the best.
Therefore, taking care of this little world of food blogging was slowly put on hold. I’ve sat down to blog around, let’s say 7878975468 times. Baby on lap, baby on shoulder, rocking baby in a swing. But these writing sessions almost always ended with me logging off in a few minutes. I soon realized that easing up on myself and being realistic with my expectations was the kindest thing I could do for myself and my sanity.
Where to even begin…….. We miscarried our first baby in 2014 at 9 weeks. It crushed me. And one of the deepest scars it left with me was Fear. As I grieved the loss of my baby, I was also paralyzed by a fear that I would never again have a healthy child. I understood for the first time not only how fragile life is, but how our hopes, dreams, and expectations are even more fragile.
I entered a period of my life where I felt the most vulnerable, and unsure of most of the things I believed and hoped to be true. Above all, I was sure that every pregnancy I ever had again would end up this way. That it would seem perfectly fine and then one day the baby would be dead with no explanation. I was sure that I would never again birth a healthy child, hold him to my breast and touch his tiny fingers and toes.
I had to quit my full time job or else I was going to murder everyone who breathed, spoke and moved around me. I decided that alleviating stress from my job and staying home to tend to my house, garden, health and brand new blog would help ease my anxiety and murder tendencies. And while it definitely proved to be successful on many levels, it didn’t get me a baby.
I always thought of myself as able to make perfect plans and control my destiny… until I discovered I can’t and I don’t. That’s when I started to feel confused, frustrated, and even angry. There was a clear need for God in our story. But at that time, the God I believed in no longer felt generous, loving and faithful. Instead, He felt distant and silent. Either dismissing us or simply ignoring. All I could feel was that He didn’t seem to be working with us. In fact, He seemed to be working against us. Instead of making our dream come true, He was thwarting our desire to become parents. It was so easy for him to make it happen at any time, but He kept saying: “no.”
Can I trust Him enough to give Him complete control? – the question I’ve asked myself so many times. Can I stop obsessing over my own plans and trust that “no” means His plan is better? Can I suppress my impatience to give Him whatever time He needs to achieve His purpose?
I kept asking until I realized that my plan is not His plan. More importantly it’s not His best for me. I let him to lead me in the right direction, and one day I felt totally at peace with that for the first time in two years. I started to believe God chose us and put this desire in our heart to give us children at His appointed time. And we got pregnant again….
Today our sweet little Tihon is almost four month old, and he completely changed our lives forever! Tisha, my baby, my baby, my baby. My heart spilling over this squishy baby. I love him, of course I love him. But it’s a giddy love that makes you want to eat them and squeeze them and all I can ever say to him, it seems, is “you’re my baby!”
Even though my pregnancy and then labor and delivery didn’t go as smooth as I would have liked, I am just so happy to have a healthy and strong baby boy. The pain, the hormone induced tears, learning to breastfeed, baby tummy aches. All hard. All at once. But he is so, so, SO worth it all. The first month was the hardest, but then it mellowed. My body healed and baby got a hang of breastfeeding like a champ. Daily routines and sleep schedule fell into pattern.
Tihon learns new things everyday. He just started to laugh and it’s my favorite thing in the whole world! I learn new things about myself as a mother everyday. I’ve learned that I have no problem being tethered to my baby by the breastfeeding relationship, and that I’m lucky to be able to choose that. We are so thrilled for the gift of our precious son. Every day we experience so much happiness as a family and are so grateful for God’s goodness in the life of our family.
P.S. Infertility sucks. It’s toxic. It cripples you. It hurts when your friends lap you. It’s devastating to hear about babies and pregnancy and family. It makes you doubt your body, your faith, your everything. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. And if you speak Russian and going through infertility or pregnancy loss or seeking God to help you with other difficulties in your life I wanted to share this page with you. I hope it will give you the strength you need. Like it did for me.